“In the same living room, two women sit side by side. One is offered tea with a smile, the other is asked why the tea isn’t ready yet. One is reminded to rest, the other is reminded of her duties. Both are daughters to someone — but in this house, only one is treated like family.”
In many South Asian households, the difference in treatment between a daughter and a daughter-in-law isn’t just subtle—it’s woven into the very fabric of family life. A daughter is cherished, protected, and forgiven with ease. A daughter-in-law? She’s expected to prove herself, carry the household on her shoulders, and somehow do it with gratitude.
These differences aren’t always born out of cruelty; often, they’re the result of deep-routed cultural conditioning, outdated notions of “ownership” in marriage, and unspoken biases passed down through generations. But make no mistake—these double standards take a toll, not just on daughter-in-laws, but on the unity and well-being of the entire family.
In this blog, we’ll unpack the four major forces behind this unequal treatment—and explore what it will take to finally break the cycle.
Cultural Conditioning and Gender Roles
As a South Asian community, whether we knowingly or unknowingly act in this way, we assign different expectations to a ‘daughter’ vs a ‘daughter-in-law’. Patriarchal structures would instil this behaviour and whether this stems from religion, or interpretation of learnt behaviours from their elders, it doesn’t make it fair or right. Women are already disadvantaged as we are thought of the ‘lesser than’ gender due to the males carrying the name forward and women ‘costing’ their parents more when getting married due to the ‘dowry’ system. Yet, we continue to allow this segregation between the way we treat the daughter who is seen as the ‘permanent child’ whilst the daughter-in-law who has taken her vows and dedicated her life to the son, moving into the family home and is still seen/treated like the ‘outsider’. This can be shown through differently; behaviour, treatment, chores and decision-making. We don’t take into account that the daughter-in-law has come from her household whereby her family dynamic and ways of operating in the household may have been completely different to the one she is moving into. These expectations have been reinforced by elders and normalised over generations. We have this expectation that she will just adapt and blend in – but have you asked yourself – why? Why should she? Just because this is the way things have always been done? Created by who…
The ‘Ownership’ Mindset in Marriage
Families treat their daughter-in-law’s often like a ‘transfer’ from her parental family to her in-laws. Often treating the daughter-in-law like a moveable object from one house to another as if she has no voice, feelings or thoughts. It is very much treated that once she is married, her own family become non-existent and she is to dedicate her life and care to her in-laws – through what rule or religious belief did this become life? Why can’t she continue to see her own parents as well as her in-laws? Daughters may receive a form of unconditional love while daughter-in-laws are subject to tests of loyalty and worthiness. The worst part is, the common theme that is passed down through generations by women is the dislike they had for their mother-in-law but continue to treat their daughter-in-laws with the same differences and expectations. Very few mother-in-laws change this generational trauma to treat their daughter-in-laws like daughters. Some of you may be thinking this doesn’t happen anymore – it very much does worldwide! The clients that come into therapy continue to share this old tradition that they do not agree with and have to figure out how to navigate. Things have changed slightly in the way that mother-in-laws are operating – during the courting phase, they are full of love and come across like the perfect mother-in-law. Once the daughter-in-law agrees to the marriage and moves into the family home, her whole demeanour and behaviour changes, often resulting in mass fallouts or a terrified daughter-in-law who cannot believe what she has married into. Due to the way the South Asian community operates and often with the daughter-in-law moving country or area, she dare not say anything outside of the family home. And where is the son/husband in all of this? Often a subject of his parents behaviour too.
Emotional Investment and Bias
There is so much contradiction between whoever has created some of these traditions and religious beliefs that when questioning elders, they often do not have answers and simply reply with ‘that’s how things have always been done’. The idea that things could be different does not enter their minds. Parents may excuse or forgive a daughter’s mistakes but they will hold the daughter-in-law to harsher standards. Many Bollywood films touch on this topic, yet has the South Asian community taken this on-board to change it enough? Unfortunately not enough. We see blood as thicker than water, so when it comes to marriage, surely the daughter-in-law should now be treated as blood? If she goes on to create children – does that not count? Yet, she is still treated as an ‘outsider’ due to not sharing the blood, yet being biologically related is seen as more deserving of empathy. Many will have seen ‘Cinderella’, as a step-sister, how differently she was treated until that point of marriage and that was due to status. This same thing occurs between a daughter and daughter-in-law living in the same house – their emotional labour and care expectations can differ. Overtime, this bias affects mental health, causes a pot of resentment and bitterness which impacts the family harmony. Why as women are you doing this to other women? There is enough battles in the world without causing another within the family home that should be a place of peace, love and care for one another.
The Cycle of Repetition and Breaking It
So we’ve discussed how women pass this down to their daughter-in-laws when they become mother-in-laws through conscious or unconscious behaviour. There is a potential for internalised misogyny and competition between women created by double standards. There is also a part around skin colour, as if darker women deserve to be treated like the ‘lacky’ whilst the lighter women can take it easy because some person decided that a lighter skin tone results in more beauty. The impact of social media doesn’t help, albeit that has changed over the years to showcase women being beautiful regardless of skin tone, size and features – the Dove advert is a classic example of promoting all women equally. Religious interpretations are a key factor here and often a dangerous one to get wrong. When this is reinforced through community gossip, it continues to ignite the cycle. So how do we change?
If you are a person who was treated badly by your mother-in-law and are reading this, why are you putting your daughter-in-law through the same behaviour? Everybody deserves happiness and the home is a place we spend a lot of time in – why make another person’s life miserable? As women, we need to be supporting each other and standing up for injustice, not advocating for it. Women go through a lot with their bodies, hormones, health, reproduction, and mental health being a new recognised addition to this. Let’s start by having open conversations about things that are not right. Build empathy with people and normalise conversations to encourage people to ‘speak up’. Give the younger generation a seat ‘at the table’. Show them what a healthy and happy household should feel like not just look like to others on the outside. Redefine the family roles beyond ownership and challenge those within the South Asian community who continue to carry forward these outdated traditions. It should be about respect, equality and trust to all members within the household. There are fundamentals which underpin most religions and that’s the equality of treatment towards other humans.