When the festive season feels heavy
Christmas is a time that brings mixed emotions depending on your experience and view of the season. It can highlight a range of emotions that we keep tucked away until it draws closer. It can be a time of peace and quiet for some people and a time of resistance for others who do not wish to see or mingle with extended relatives who may be abusive. It could represent a time of trauma when families either come together or for people who are alone. The contrast between celebrations around us and our own quiet reality can feel overwhelming. There is such a build up to the day but for some it may not feel this way – its okay to admit the season doesn’t feel joyful, you are not alone in this experience.
The South Asian Experience of a Western Holiday
Christmas may not hold the same cultural weight as other festivities within the South Asian culture, making the season feel unfamiliar and isolating. Whilst friends of other ethnicities and colleagues at work discuss Christmas shopping, family dynamics and their plans for the day – it could feel like an alien topic in its entirety. This could be heightened by the distance of being away from extended family back home which can make the holiday feel emptier. It’s important to remember that this is just one day and if the opportunity arises whereby you have an invitation to experience this celebration – consider what feels right for you. It could be a time for remembrance for those that have lost loved ones during this time or remembering what you may have been doing during a time that this celebration felt full of love, warmth and joy.
Silent Struggles: Why Loneliness feels harder to talk about
Many South Asian households avoid discussing emotions or mental health, making it a challenge to share any feelings you may have around this celebration with anyone. Often being told to ‘put a smile on your face’ or interact with family members can feel like a chore if they are not fun to be around. Our culture forces this upon us and sometimes for the right reasons of bringing the family together and other times for challenging reasons because it feels like the ‘thing to do’ even though underneath it all, you know that utter chaos and carnage exists within the relationships with undertones of passive aggressive comments taking place throughout the day.
Another aspect is the cultural pressure to appear strong, busy or surrounded by family. The weight of this is heightened by friends or colleagues who may ask ‘what your plans are for the day’ because they are excited for the festivities. The guilt may set in when asked by family members back home as to why you didn’t do anything on the day. Masking the feeling may work for a temporary period of time but most of us have been in a place where we have tried to put that brave face on and someone has seen straight through it.
An added layer of pressure can come during times where family members ask ‘how things are going’ and this can feel like the worst question in the world when you don’t feel things are going well and in the direction that you wanted. It can add to feelings of disappointment, comparisons to cousins and feel like an isolating place that nobody can empathise with to give the right words of encouragement and acceptance. With the comparison comes the added paranoia of scrolling on social media to see others having the best time of their lives whilst reiterating your position of isolation. Many South Asians quietly feel the same way – you’re not the only one scrolling and struggling.
Finding comfort: Creating a meaningful holiday for yourself
Create small rituals that soothe you and feel comforting, it could be things such as cooking, calling a friend or watching comforting nostalgic films that bring back happy memories. Don’t be afraid to also step out of your comfort zone and try something different – it could be a revelation for something you didn’t know you would enjoy.
Blend traditions by adding a South Asian touch to Christmas or make your own version of the holiday. Just because others follow a particular tradition doesn’t mean that it is the way things have to be done – all family dynamics have their own ways of culture engrained in their routines – from eating together, praying together before eating. You may have experienced this from friendships and seeing the way in which their families operate – some are open in the way they communicate respectfully, whilst others may shout in front of you. Hum Saath Saath Hain – a Bollywood film that has family culture engrained within the way they operate. One of their sayings within the film ‘A family that prays together, eats together, stays together’. This could be a time of learning and new beginnings.
Seek connections where you can, whether through community events, volunteering or simple conversations – you’ll be surprised how many people are feeling similar to you about Christmas.
A closing note: You’re not alone
Loneliness is a human experience, not a personal flaw. Sometimes we are experiencing a transition in our lives whereby our circle of friends are changing due to our own growth and a new circle is forming but takes time. There may be a learning during this phase of loneliness that we are on a journey to understand and show ourselves compassion in a challenging time. Many people, especially in communities whereby their immediate family is based in another country can feel disconnected around this time of year. Extended compassion to yourself is a meaningful step towards feeling grounded.
Here are some charities that can support you if loneliness feels like too much this Christmas – please reach out for help:
- Samaritans – 24/7 listening service – Call 116 123
- Shout – Crisis text line – text SHOUT to 85258
- Mind – Mental health charity – Call 0300 102 1234 (Check local Mind for Christmas operating hours)
- The Silver Line – For older people (55+), offering friendship and advice – Call 0800 470 8090
- Stand Alone – Charity for people who are estranged from their family – Call 020 7841 3450
- Relate – Supports relationship issues, loneliness tied to relationships – Call 0300 003 0396
- Hub of Hope – Lists several support charities and organisations – https://hubofhope.co.uk/
- AAHNA Therapy – Counselling for the South Asian Community – https://southasiantherapy.org/