Growing up in a South Asian household – emotions were not a common topic of discussion or expression. How many times have you heard “Tears won’t solve your problems” or “Man up” when something has affected you. Even worse – how many times have you been told not to discuss business outside and keep matters internally – not to speak up or share your challenges with the ‘community’ due to the fear of being judged?
Over time, there has been so many phrases that generations have used to reduce the focus of mental health. Dukh-Sukh toh sabke life mein hote hain (Everyone has ups and downs). Therapy? Are you Crazy?
Understanding the stigma
Within each family, there will be a generational denial or flat out rejection towards the topic of mental health existing. Understanding what this is about can help to begin normalising conversations around mental health. There could be a lack of awareness about what mental health actually is. You may find more of an acceptance towards anxiety and depression but more hesitancy, embarrassment or judgement around bipolar disorder. If we keep mental health hidden, we enable the topic remaining hidden and uncomfortable. There could be a fear of judgement associated to the mental health challenge from people within the community. Isn’t this a double edged sword? The community should be there to support you – so why are we as a society so fearful of the stigma and judgement from the same people who should respect and listen? We fear calling that judgement out as it is engrained within us to respect our elders. What happens when our elders are judgemental? Do we challenge this? Do we get outcasted or labelled as argumentative/rebellious for challenging? What about our beliefs. If we don’t believe it exists, then how can we begin to find a solution to a person’s challenges? We believe in physical illness because we can see it yet our brains are the most complex part of us and we don’t believe that people may struggle with this. One other point to consider is the generational gap. Older generations focus was more on survival and being told what to do which mattered more than emotions. Traditions were engrained in the way they operated and through no fault of their own – many did not speak out because it wasn’t encouraged or accepted.
The impact of silence
Remaining silent can lead to devastating outcomes for individuals and families. Individuals may feel that they need to suppress their emotions, anxiety, and depression due to the responses from attempting to share their challenges. They may fear being labelled as ‘mentally weak’ by either their own family or others within the community. It could lead to suicide due to not understanding the root cause of their mental health challenges and what might have worked. In the same way we are given medicine when we are physically unwell is the same way that we need to find the right ‘medicine’ for our minds. Remaining silent can lead to an individual feeling resentful towards those who are not willing to listen. It can create emotional disconnect and distance resulting in families not speaking and creating generational trauma. Within the community, it reinforces a cycle of mental health being ignored which may lead to higher rates of burnout, breakdown or even suicide.
How to start a conversation
It’s important to be relatable when beginning conversations and by this, it’s helpful to explain mental health as an analogy so that other people can begin building a connection. Starting from a place of curiousity can help i.e. Have you ever had a time where you’ve felt really unmotivated, low mood or irritable? Some of those symptoms could be anxiety or depression. We often view the ‘labels’ in an extreme format, as an example, a depressed person cannot get out of bed. Yes, there are people who suffer with depression and are unable to function. There are also people who can function everyday with medication and another person would not be able to tell. We have a scale as to the level and intensity people may be diagnosed with a condition. When being challenged, it is important to avoid confrontational tones, becoming upset and remaining empathic to the lack of understanding from the other individual. Sharing personal experiences or stories from others can help to shape the narrative and build a story for the other person to relate too. Bollywood movies often have relatable content to mental health and the impact this can have which could lead to a discussion within your household. For example, a well-known film ‘ Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham’ – the story of a family that breaks down due to the son stepping outside of what the father deemed to be acceptable. It took the younger son challenging the dad’s views on ‘acceptable’ and encouraging the father to look beyond his anger to maybe how hurt he was by the son’s actions led to the family reconnecting after missing out on 10 years of each other’s lives. Using this as an example can help the elder generation understand that communication is key to avoiding this from happening.
Change the narrative
Making the story more relatable makes it easier to digest. Using experiences of the people around you and reframing this as a strength in speaking up and seeking help will begin a positive spotlight on this topic. Looking towards South Asian celebrities who have spoken up about mental health challenges such as Deepika Padukone on depression and Nadiya Hussain who has openly talked about her suffering in mental health with anxiety and panic disorders. We are in a time where keeping quiet is not the ‘norm’ and people are suffering now who need support. That support doesn’t always mean a ‘counsellor’, it could mean having a chat with somebody who just listens to them.
Together, we are more impactful than individually. Change starts with us – the more we talk, the more we heal. Will you remove the stigma in your family?