Cultural Values
One of the primary reasons why boundary setting is so challenging in our South Asian culture is that the needs of the family and community often take precedence over the needs of the individual. Family is of course deemed an important source of support, but is also a significant component to a central identity. We are often defined in relation to others i.e. as a daughter, son, spouse, or parent. This interconnectedness can make it difficult to assert personal boundaries without feeling like you are betraying or distancing yourself from your loved ones.
And, in such a context and dynamic, asserting our boundaries can feel like an act of rebellion or abandonment rather than a healthy exercising of autonomy.
Guilt, Obligation & Shame
Many South Asian adults are raised with a strong sense of duty toward their elders, especially parents. Concepts like izat (honour), sharam (shame), and farz (duty) heavily influence our behaviour. This often leads to a deep sense of guilt when trying to establish boundaries, especially if those boundaries appear to contradict or challenge these long standing and established values.
Explicitly, respect for our elders is a core tenet of asian upbringing. Challenging an elder’s expectations/standards/wishes , even if done so politely, can be and is often interpreted as insubordination and rude (butameezi). This dynamic leaves little room for open discussions on emotional, physical and psychological needs and wishes.
Hierarchy with Gender Roles
Gender adds an additional dynamic in this complex issue. It probably doesn’t come as a surprise to hear that it is South Asian women, in particular, who often face more scrutiny and control regarding their choices. For many South Asian women, even into adulthood, daughters are expected to remain obedient and self-sacrificing.
Men, too, face expectations often around being providers or upholding family honour. This can lead to them being discouraged from setting boundaries.
Fear of Conflict
Many South Asian adults have internalised the belief that harmony must be maintained at all costs. Open confrontation is avoided and as a result, indirect communication is preferred and executed. This cultural dynamic can lead to suppressed emotions and unmet needs for all involved. The final result is that the adult will find themselves agreeing outwardly to avoid conflict, while feeling resentful or emotionally drained internally.
This is a conflict avoidance dynamic that stems from a fear of damaging our very important relationships. And because these relationships are central to the notion of identity in our culture, the idea of causing hurt or disappointment to loved ones can be paralysing and unfathomable.
How to Assert Boundaries whilst Remaining Respectful?
1. I’m being respectful, not rebellious; Instead of seeing boundaries as a way to keep people out, frame them as a way to preserve relationships. Communicate that your intention is not to distance yourself but to foster mutual respect and understanding.
2. Culturally sensitive language; How you say something often matters more than what you say. Using respectful language, such as adding honorifics or beginning with appreciation, can make boundary setting less confrontational.
3. Small consistent steps; Begin with smaller, less emotionally charged boundaries. Consistency over time can help establish a new dynamic.
4. Utilising culture; Drawing from cultural strengths like empathy, community support, and spiritual values can be significantly helpful. This can be helpful in expressing your boundaries through storytelling, metaphors, or religious teachings that emphasise balance, respect and duty as a part of honouring family.
5. Using dialogue not monologue; Boundary setting is a two-way conversation. Asking for perspective, listening actively and finding common ground can shift the dynamic from oppositional to collaborative.
6. Therapy & community support; Therapists who understand South Asian cultural nuances can be invaluable. There are also growing numbers of asian support groups and online communities that can help normalise the experience of setting boundaries.
Asserting your boundaries does not mean rejecting your culture; rather, it means redefining your relationship with it in a way that is authentic and sustainable. The tension between individual needs and collective expectations can be navigated with care, compassion and intentionality.
Our culture is not static. As more South Asian adults engage in conversations about mental health, emotional well-being and personal agency, cultural narratives are slowly shifting. By modeling healthy boundaries, you not only care for yourself but also contribute to a more compassionate and flexible understanding of what it means to honour tradition in the modern world.
Final Thoughts
Deep held values, family dynamics and cultural expectations undoubtedly make asserting boundaries more challenging as a South Asian adult. However, it is both possible and necessary to do so in a way that respects your roots while affirming your autonomy. It is only through empathy, respectful communication, and small achievable change, boundaries can become a bridge; connecting us not dividing us.