Have you ever been the one to try and speak out in your family, highlight hypocrisy, judgement or point out toxicity within relationships and be met with defensive responses, shut down or made to feel the problem?
Cultural expectations and the fear of speaking out
Within south Asian families, there is an expectation to adhere to the ‘rules’ of respect which are often not explicitly communicated but are expected. We often learn these types of behaviours through watching how our family interacts and quickly begin to form boxes of what is acceptable and what is not. We desperately want to avoid any form of ‘shame’ being brought upon the family as mark of pride/respect to the family name. We have unspoken rules of keeping our family matter private – how far does this privacy go? Are we good at challenging anybody in the family when things are not morally right? You may find that a family member is quick to cast judgement of a person’s behaviour outside of the family but may be mirroring that exact behaviour inside. Have you been scared to speak out when something feels wrong? It is a common feeling as we have generations of engrained traditions that have not been challenged or questioned. When you do try, you may be met with resistance on a wider scale.
The emotional toll of being made to feel like a problem
Often within the South Asian community, we are part of large families – some which interact within their boundaried ways and some which have fallen apart through in-effect a ‘whistle-blower’ who has tackled toxicity, unhealthy behaviours or challenged the ‘way things have always been done’. The person who decided to speak out can feel isolated, guilty and an element of self-doubt – was it the right thing to do? When it feels like consequences/repercussions, it can feel like a wrong move. We can build up a level of resentment and internally being made to feel challenged as we may not find a person who is willing to go against the ‘norm’. This can lead to feeling unheard, anxious and or depressed. We underestimate the impact this can have on a person’s mental health and functionality when feeling ousted by the family. However, because we live within a community who advocate keeping private matters behind ‘closed doors’, not only can we feel challenged within the household, this can then cascade into the community. You could be left feeling shame, guilt, a disappointment and many other challenging emotions. It can also lead to a cycle of gaslighting and emotional manipulation that reinforces the silence and this can often be where a person may retract to feel part of the family again.
Finding your voice without breaking yourself
There can be various useful strategies to support in approaching difficult conversations with your family. Some helpful guidance below:
- Choose the right time and setting – approaching a conversation when family members may be less receptive could result in a different outcome. Avoid bringing up topics during stressful months (family gatherings/religious months)
- Use ‘I’ instead of blame – as an example, rather than saying ‘you’ve made me feel this way’, try an approach of ‘I feel unheard when expressing my thoughts’. This reduces defensive responses and behaviours.
- Acknowledge their perspective first – within the South Asian community, elders often command an element of respect and fear losing control – communication with them on their level may yield a productive conversation. Try to acknowledge their concerns prior to sharing your thoughts, as an example ‘I understand you want what’s best for me, and I appreciate that, but I need to share how I feel’.
- Stay calm and avoid emotional triggers – Family members may react with defensiveness, anger or a guilt-tripping response. During these moments, it is important to remain calm and composed. If you feel that things are beginning to escalate then it’s best to close the conversation down and revisit it when all members involved have had a chance to process the initial discussions.
- Be prepared for resistance – Changes take time to embed and not every conversation that you attempt will go as planned. Persistence and time are going to be your ally during this time. If you are being met with a lot of resistance, it may be tempting to backtrack – don’t! Reaffirm your stance calmly.
- Accepting that some conversations will not go as planned – some members of the family may never agree with you and that could feel frustrating. However, it is equally ok to co-exist and not agree fully. Planting the seed is key in changing a thought pattern – even if this is only for a split second to think about the issue from a different perspective. The more logic and fact that can be applied when communicating, the easier it could be to understand as opposed to an emotive reaction when explaining your viewpoint. Sometimes it can be helpful to step back, re-evaluate where you are and try a different approach if you are feeling stuck.
Seeking support and redefining belief
If you are either in a place of feeling ‘stuck’ and isolated or you have broken free and feel ousted, then it can be helpful to look beyond immediate family for emotional and mental support. If you have friends within the community, they may be able to support you during the process, however if it is a traditional battle that you are facing then beware as some traditions may be engrained within their approach which could mean that they are unable to lend a hand of empathy towards you. Another consideration could be seeking support through counselling as a way to unpack the emotions and ‘holding’ that you may have had to do over several years. Counselling can help you to find self-validation and recognise the personal growth that you may have achieved which can lead to changing generational patterns. Support groups are another way to share experiences with people who may have been subject to a similar family experience. It can help you and others to process thoughts which can help in the journey of healing and feeling heard.