This seems to be a key theme that I have heard countless times in different ways from my clients and what a struggle it is to navigate. I hope this helps many of you to not feel alone and know that there are so many adult children going through this battle. South Asian parents who migrated out of their residing countries to a westernised country made many sacrifices, changes and carried survival-based values. Those values were necessary at the time and served a purpose for that ‘era’ and environment but they are now colliding with a very different social and emotional landscape. There is central conflict whereby children raised in a different country, culture and emotional environment are expected to live by rules designed for another time and place. Many of us grew up feeling grateful and trapped at the same time.
South Asian families often pride themselves on loyalty, values and tradition.
But what happens when the very values that helped one generation survive begin to suffocate the next?
The Generational Gap: Why it exists
- Tradition as survival, not choice
For parents born before the 80’s/90’s, tradition wasn’t optional, it was a tool for safety, identity and community. These were the roots for unity and loyalty. Honour, obedience, gender roles and reputation were protective mechanisms for how they operated. Almost view those as the ‘shield’ as they took pride within all of those. In Western countries, these same values can feel restrictive, outdated and emotionally dismissive to their children. It can also make the children feel ousted within a world they are trying so hard to ‘fit into’.
What once kept families safe now limits emotional growth.
- Different countries, different conditioning
Our parents mentally remain anchored to the culture that they left. Anything outside of this is an ‘unknown’ familiar for them which is where the two generations are colliding. Their children are shaped by Western ideals: autonomy, emotional expression, mental health, self-awareness – all of these are concepts that are completely unfamiliar to their own terminology. Their children have the understanding of their parents struggles, whilst navigating a Westernised world and in an identity tug-of-war – never ‘enough’ in either world. This creates a constant feeling of letting others down, disappointment of self/others and always failing to meet expectations.
Impact on children: Guilt, confusion, chronic people-pleasing, fear of disappointing the family and being ‘disowned’ or ousted.
- Emotional Intelligence Gap
Our parents’ generation were never taught emotional literacy – only duty and endurance. Understanding how they feel often is projected or conveyed as one of three common reactions – anger, disappointment or silence. All of these are surface reactions to the underlying root of their emotions but they do not have or know the vocabulary to express how they feel which can make it difficult to understand their intentions. The engrained value is that elders are respected and the common phrase they like to use ‘We are your parents and know what’s best’. A way to shut you down when logic brings you too close to pointing out their behaviour. If you are asking for them to take accountability – it feels like disrespect to them. Trying to open up any conversations around trauma, boundaries or mental health are often shut down, not acknowledged or dismissed.
Important to note: This isn’t malicious – it’s generational limitation
- The Fall from the Pedestal
As children grow into adults, looking at the transactional analysis theory, the child moves into the adult stage and the parent also moves into the adult stage where they meet. This commonly happens in Westernised families but rarely happens in the South Asian culture. We begin to see our parents as flawed humans, not authoritative perfect humans. This awakening can be painful and feel destabilising as it feels as though your core is crumbling. Every bit of armour, defence that you’ve built up feels crushed and it can cause you to lose a part of yourself. Grief emerges as a result of this, not just for what happened but for what will likely never happen emotionally.
Core Insight: Acceptance is not approval
- Why Blame Doesn’t Heal
Understanding your parents limitation doesn’t excuse harm but staying stuck in ‘blame’ keeps you in an emotional cycle. One that you will revisit countless times in your adolescent and adult life. There is no reasoning with them, you can try logic, emotional reactions, empathy, analogies – none of it works – why? Because when somebody doesn’t want to change, acknowledge or move, you cannot force them to. Healing begins when responsibility shifts back to you.
Note – You cannot force growth where there is no capacity
When Your Parents Won’t Budge: How to Move Forward
- Lower Expectations (Not Standards)
- Expecting emotional depth from someone who lacks the tools leads to repeated disappointment.
- Lowering expectations protects your nervous system.
- You can still maintain self-respect without seeking validation from them.
- Set Clear, Compassionate Boundaries
- Boundaries are not punishments – they are self-preservation.
- A few examples of this could be limiting topics, reducing the frequency of conversations, or disengaging from emotionally unsafe dynamics.
- Expect resistance. Boundaries often disrupt long-standing family roles and it is unfamiliar for them – they’ve not experienced it from their parents so they are not sure how to respond to them.
- Use Your Superpower: Self-Awareness
- You may be the emotionally evolved one – and that’s not fair, but it is powerful.
- We often can’t see this superpower as it feels so natural to us, we may view it as more of a burden. Use it to your advantage. Use emotional intelligence to choose when to engage and when to step back.
- Lending compassion does not mean self-abandonment or a lack of your own boundaries. We learn behaviours from watching others – roles may have reversed where you are modelling behaviours.
- Redefine What Healing Looks Like
- Healing doesn’t always mean reconciliation or apologies.
- Sometimes it means grieving the parents you needed but didn’t have.
- Peace can exist without permission.
It is possible to honour your culture without sacrificing your wellbeing. It can be so challenging and takes a quiet strength to be persistent in navigating the two worlds. Breaking generational cycles is still love.
Final Note – You don’t have to carry everything your parents couldn’t put down.