If you look up the definition of failure in any dictionary, it often aligns with the notion of not achieving a specific goal or being unable to achieve something to its desired effect. Personal failures can be hard for many of us to separate from, experiencing failure versus being a failure. One is outcome focused and the other is label of worth. As with any culture, the South Asian experience and psychological understanding of failure can have significant impact on identity, self-esteem and mental health for the individual.
‘When my worth is quantified by what I can achieve, I hold little to no value when I fail’, a powerful and painful sentence. This narrative becomes problematic because it speaks to the wider context of family and community standing; who am I now, how much of me is accepted, how much of me is rejected.
Identity & Self- Esteem
When failure becomes an analysis of self, it endangers one’s sense of belonging, and unfortunately dismantles any sense of resilience and compassion for oneself because it is not seen as an opportunity for growth and learning. The result becomes, often, overcompensation, perfectionism, anxiety, depression and low self-esteem and confidence.
The collectivism of our South Asian culture bases a lot of significance on family izat (honour), reputation and social standing through achievements i.e. job, salary, marriage, social standing etc. This creates a relationship with failure of an individual’s to, also, their parents/care givers and the wider community. It isn’t about the individual anymore. And this gives shame a voice that is external, which establishes the belief in the sentence ‘When my worth is quantified by what I can achieve, I hold little to no value when I fail’.
This threat to belonging creates incredibly high (and, at times, unrealistic) standards and expectations that are both internalised and externalised; there is no separation of identity to success, they are intrinsically linked. I regularly hear South Asian clients share that they have led inauthentic lives where their needs have been overlooked and neglected (by them) causing significant uncertainty on who they are now as adults.This often creates conflicts within themselves but also within their relationships.
Recently, there has been more focus on studying the mental health implications of fearing failure, through various research and studies. All conclude that there is a direct correlation between South Asian adults and the development of maladaptive strategies for coping in reference to achievement.
Mental Health & Psychotherapy
The impact of failing within this context can be outlined by a multitude of conditions, not just one coming into specific focus. These can be anxiety, depression, chronic stress, imposter syndrome to name a few. Different psychotherapeutic modalities all aim to break the cycle of maintenance where there may be avoidance, overcompensation, inward criticism or reassurance seeking.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is particularly helpful in containment and regulation of any symptoms alongside aiming to identify negative automatic thoughts (NATS) and cognitive distortions. The belief around fearing failure is challenged and reframed.
A deeper exploration of failure through the lens of Transactional Analysis (TA) can help develop an understanding by looking at what has been internalised throughout childhood and adulthood, repeatedly and consistently. So, if criticism and comparison to others has been a familiar experience of failing for someone, the Critical Parent and Child Ego States are formed. The Critical Parent will repeat criticism to be internalised and the Child Ego state will oscillate between fear and anger. The aim for TA is to work with the client to engage their Adult Ego state that allows them to engage with their experience of failing from a space of current realities and not repetition of old and historic scripts.
Psychoanalysis allows an understanding of source, specifically, where and how the meaning of failure has been created and why the impact of this can be experienced so significantly painful for some of us. Any incident of failure through this lens will go into the client’s activated understanding of expectations from others, parental love, shame and conditionally being loved, for example.
Psychotherapy is an opportunity to reframe and learn ways to feel and believe our worthiness of experiencing life with both successes and failures and it is through integrating this into one’s identity where success and failure can co-exist.
Conclusion
The aim of this blog is not to be critical of our culture because it is not our culture that causes or produces maladaptive perfection or anxiety, but to highlight the significance of how our learning of failure shapes the relationship we have with failing. A recent study in Canada of South Asian- Canadian students showed that 38% reported mild to severe anxiety. This does not conclude anything directly within the context of their experience or fears around failing, however, it does show an association with culturally prescribed perfectionism being a predicting or perpetuating factor in anxiety scores.
Despite significant shifts in how much therapy is accessed, stigma remains. The cause of stigma, I believe, is how mental health is understood, more aptly, misunderstood. And in relation to failure, privacy where issues, challenges and problems are managed within the family is threatened if discussed outside this perimetre.
It becomes our responsibility to acknowledge to normalise seeking support, despite the judgement from within and from outside, because through exposure to this, we build and can grow resilient in facing both the ups and downs of this life. None of us deserve to suffer, and certainly, none of us deserve to suffer alone.