Guilt comes from the belief of being wrong in some way – or is it more about carrying the responsbility for someone else’s unhappiness and not doing what they wanted? Guilt is an extremely powerful emotion that can seep deep in to the bones. In my opinion, the unhealthy feelings of guilt can have significant effects on mental well-being.
Healthy guilt can help us to reflect on our decisions, values, and relationships and contribute to helping us maintain our own morals and values. Unhealthy feelings of guilt however, can be imposed or manipulated onto us by others – such as family members, friends, colleagues – leaving the individual feeling overwhelmed, trapped, and emotionally exhausted.
In my line of work, I notice many individuals ‘drowning in guilt’, constantly internalising other people’s behaviours, and taking responsbility for the outcome for others and their feelings. The experience of guilt shows that you are choosing yourself, rather than another – and when it has been embedded so far into your world that your needs don’t matter as much as others’ needs, then this can be a very difficult decision to make. Learning to say ‘no’ to others in order to say ‘yes’ to yourself can be anxiety provoking and feel alien to those that have always considered others before themselves.
Expectations, demands, or emotional manipulation from those around you can also offer guilt inducing feelings – whether consciously or unconsciously, this is an unhealthy behavioural pattern that has a way of influencing people. This can sound like ‘what have I not done for you’, or ‘I am always there for you, you should be there for me too’. Gaslighting, attempting to over-power in some way, belittling, making digs, attempts to control – are also ways guilt tripping can occur within any form of relationships. It can leave you feeling uneasy, unsafe, confused, or triggered in some way. These can also be signals from your nervous system, telling you that something is wrong.
The person sitting in the guilt has two choices – one is to not play into the game, which is how I see it, and second is to behave from a place to reduce their guilt. The guilt becomes an undercurrant from which the individual behaves and it can feel like you are going against yourself in some way if you are not attending to others’ needs and demands. There are significant long-term effects of the exposure to guilt-inducing messages, and when this is heard over a long period of time, it can become an unconscious and distored sense of responsbility one can carry towards another. You may begin to believe that you are solely responsible and accountable for keeping everyone around you happy.
Some of the main impacts of guilt on mental health include:
- Increased anxiety: Constant guilt can lead to excessive worrying, nervousness, and fear of making mistakes.
- Depression: Ongoing feelings of guilt are commonly associated with depression and may contribute to sadness, hopelessness, and loss of interest in daily activities.
- Low self-esteem: People experiencing chronic guilt may begin to see themselves as “bad” or unworthy, damaging their confidence and self-worth.
- Stress: Carrying unresolved guilt can keep the body and mind in a prolonged state of stress, making it harder to relax.
- Rumination: Guilt often causes people to repeatedly think about past actions or decisions, making it difficult to move on.
- Sleep problems: Persistent guilty thoughts can interfere with falling asleep or staying asleep.
- Social withdrawal: Someone who feels guilty may avoid friends, family, or social situations because of shame or fear of being judged.
- Difficulty concentrating: Preoccupation with guilt can make it harder to focus at school, work, or on everyday tasks.
- Relationship problems: Excessive guilt may lead to over-apologising, difficulty setting boundaries, or avoiding conflict, which can strain relationships.
I want to remind you can you can be caring and compassionate, whilst holding firm boundaries – recognising the distinction of taking care of your own emotional world and others taking care of their own. An important part of emotional growth is learning to tolerate and to sit in the uncomfortable feelings of; placing boundaries, and enabling others to hold their own expectations and beliefs – thus to function within relationships in a healthy and functional way, that involves respect, honesty, mutual responsibility.
Your worth does not depend on another person’s opinion of you – and you don’t need to feel guilty for choosing yourself.